Member-only story
I Will Find You, Annoy You & Sell You Insurance
I don’t know who you are, and I don’t care if you have a friend in the business. If you’re looking for understanding, I can tell you that I don’t have any empathy. But what I do have is a very particular set of skills acquired over a very long & brutal hiring process that allows me to offer attractive, sultry even, rates for your home and auto insurance that makes me a wet dream for new homeowners like you.
I was trained by the agents of I.N.C.E.L. — The Insurance Nuisance College of Extraordinary Losers. Annoying assholes such as the Robocall Robot, Patrick the Ponzi Scheme Guy and the Friendly Pollster have united to lead this maverick organization to weed out the impenetrable from the impressionable. What’s left from the filtration process are the most promising dreamless idiots. We are then meticulously sculpted from baby butterflies into insurance selling murder hornets.
My journey has come full circle. I started off buying the insurance, and now I sell the insurance. The soldier has become the General, and you are dead in my crosshairs. Wherever you go, I will be there, pen in hand, asking you to buy insurance.
When you go to the strip club, hands full of cash, face full of beer, head full of dreams, I will be there too, on the stripper pole asking you to put the signed papers into my G-string. That night…
