Don’t worry — it’s easy — Thank you so much for feeding Mr. Sprinkles! I know this is short notice, but I want to leave you with a list of brief instructions to make feeding him a breeze. Find the cat. Mr. Sprinkles, although 14, is a child at heart who loves a good game of…

The only thing more inflated than our prices is our ego — It’s not just a pizza place — it’s an attitude. At Le Pizzaria Pompous, we put the pretentiousness in pepperoni. We serve up the smugness in sausage. Our onions? They’re overachieving and ostentatious. Forget about ordering a cobb salad — a snob salad is the Chef’s choice. It’s not just…

It was at that moment Jerry realized one thing: he hated himself. He hated himself, and he hated the grocery line he was standing in. It was long, curvy, and packed seven carts deep with the other idiots who thought, ‘Sunday is a mighty fine day to go grocery shopping.’ …

It was war. The last leaf of fall broke off and danced in the breeze. It drifted down the driveway and into the garage until it appeared right beneath John’s foot, making a loud crunch as he stepped forward. And like how a rock tossed into a pond makes ripples, that crunch made…

How we move and break your stuff — Welcome to Two Idiots and a Truck Moving Company, where we feature the market’s choice of idiots, hastily-picked from the very depths of the classifieds. Before we get ready to r̶e̶l̶o̶c̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶s̶t̶u̶f̶f̶ move your shit, for your safety, we’d like to go over a few ground rules. Rule One…

Call it the American in me, but I thought I could have my cake, eat it too and even come back for seconds. — The best teacher in life is Mother Nature… Do you remember those school days when we had to learn about birds? One minute they’re these adorable, featherless puffballs, all snuggled up in their nest. And then… Like a playground bully on a sugar high, the mama bird swoops in and…

I’m the opposite of the get-off my lawn guy — HEY YOU! Please get on my lawn, would ya? Owning a home is just a made-up story we tell ourselves so why should owning my lawn be any different? We’re all just renting, right? So go ahead, dig a hole. Dig a big hole. Find a dinosaur. Find two dinosaurs. Heck, roll up my grass like it’s…

Who wants to go swimming anyways? — Dear Shark Whisperer, When I’m gearing up for a family vacation, I usually like to assign a theme. Some years it’s “relaxation,” other years it’s “adventure,” but this year, I wanted to go off the beaten path and spread my wings. I picked the theme “trauma.” I wanted a vacation…

Welcome to the wild, wild west of commercial aviation. — You’re prodded in by the TSA and their cattle prods, encouraging you to stay in line with your fellow cow commuters dressed in their barnyard best. As you trot down the aisle to board the plane, you hear a chorus of exaggerated moos and witness a slow-motion stampede. It’s truly…